I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
