Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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