If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
