sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
