A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
