We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
