Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
