I'm lost and stupid without you.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
