1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
