i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
