Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
