I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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