I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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