Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
