Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
