Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
