While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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