it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
