theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
