no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
