Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
