dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
organizing the empties. That sober.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
