I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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