At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
