I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
