I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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