I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
