there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
