I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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