If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
