I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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