Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
