you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
