i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
