omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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