i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
