If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
