Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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