If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Randomize