youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
