thus making me awesome and them whores
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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