gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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