He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
