I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
