I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
