Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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