I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
