meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
