We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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