you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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