youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
