I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
