I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
