If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
