I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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