I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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