I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
