You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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