My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize