remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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