If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
