you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
