yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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