So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
