we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
