found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize