dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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