there's paper in my vomit.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
